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12:04 

If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting...

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Or so they say. I reckon its probably true, so... I am going to do something different. Just for the heck of it and because I am not particularly thrilled by the things I am getting. Which is people dissapearing into thin air as soon as i turn on my Skype. Just one particular person really, but it bothers me to no end. It's not like i am some maniac who stocks her trying to get attention she is not willing to give. Ok, may be sometimes, but its rare, really, like once a year or so. Surely this is not the reason to change your status when I come online. Screw you, bitch. Who do the fuck you think you are? I deserve better.

And so, I have burned a couple of stupid things on the stove, creating a pile of ash that would have to be cleaned up later, said what I thought and deleted that contact. And that's that. And this diary is a new page, literally. Here I am going to whinge, rant and whatnot and not give a fuck. Perfect place to talk about shit nobody will talk to me about and the shit i don't want to talk about with anybody. lol, i am turning into a fucking emo

On a slightly less shitty note, this should be a good place to record my feelings about staff. Just so few years later I wont say: 'oh, yeah, it was not so bad', coz our memory screws with us and we tend to recall only the good staff. I want to remember just how shitty it was so I am not tempted to dive back into it if opportunity arises.

And regarding the name: i am just so fucking sick of how unbelievable fake the bloody Facebook is. Like, wtf? Why there is only 'Like' button? What if I really hate some shit? And where is the 'I don't give a rat's ass about your stupid dumb whatchamightcallit'? Fuck that shit. I want some honesty. And if noone is willing and noone has guts I am just gonna do it all by my pretty little self. Right here. And so it goes..

what do you know? I think I do feel better after a rant)

@настроение: screw'em

@темы: relationships, Fakebook

15:34 

Walking away

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.


Walking away. Just slowly walking away. well, sitting on the sofa in my shorts and singlet really, but its the idea that counts, no?

Its actually quite a big deal. Given, I had some beer and was not in the best of moods since morning, but still... actually deleting that last link is a big deal. I was going to do it long, long time ago, but didn't have the heart to do. Some shitty, needy part of me was hoping for a miracle, although rationally I knew that it was over. I had that bloody dream back in May. In my dream she literally drove a car over me, deaf to my pleading and screams. I knew then that it was over as soon as I woke up. Dreams were right about her before and it was right this time as well. Somewhere in the depth of that asian megapolis she made a desicion that it's over. And I felt it in my dream. That was back in May, and now it is over for me too. It will take some time i suppose, but it's actually over. All of it: dreams, plans, fears, insane bouts of jealousy and all good and not so good that came with that relationship.
So be it.

god, i am awfully melodramatic)) but i like it)) ангста, мне ангста! да побольше) фик что ли пойти написать :gigi:

@темы: забивание гвоздей, relationships

03:47 

Габо-Драйзеры или какого х*я?

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Я уже третий раз натыкаюсь на дневникового драйзера который при более тщательном изучении оказывается Габом. С двумя из них у меня сработал заказ. Это такое чуйство когда просто знаешь что перед тобой заказчик, а мне ли не знать я пару лет убила на тесное виртуальное с ними общение. Третьего мне оттипировали умные люди. Один из них позже таки перетипировался в Габа. Вопрос вот в чем: какого х*я? Они же, млять, ДБЛ! Демонстративные белые логеги! Неужто им тяжко модель А вкурить и разложить все по полочкам? Что в драевском тиме такого привлекательного что они туда типируются? И, обожемой, неужели сложно отличить логика от этика? (ну ладно, если у этика высокая л по ПЙто может быть). Но чесслово, мне просто жалко людей напяливающих чужую, не подходящую им шкуру..

@темы: wtf, соционика

15:40 

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
ВФЭЛ или ФВЭЛ? That is the question, друг мой Гамлет)) Собсно я себя определила как ФВЭЛ но умные люди сказали нэт. А куда мне с 4й логикой лезть их оспаривать )) Так и живем.

@темы: пй

14:33 

Heatwave, Sydney style

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Сегодня было +43, в субботу обещают +44. Вчера первый раз этим летом включили кондиционер, до 40 градусов обходимся вентилятором ЧС и 2Ф требуют хардкора, ага)). Сегодня пошли с потомством в бассейн. Народу тучи, хлорка/вода - 50 на 50, мелкий до сих пор плачет и бегает промывать глаза.
Полдесятого вечера, температура 33, а завтра чудесным образом опустится до 25ти, на пару дней... до субботы. Так и живем.

16:06 

Libertad o Muerte

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
I was driving home today and suddenly it hit me: the chains have really fell. I don't feel whatever I was feeling towards her since around 2008. Which makes it what, over 4 years? I suddenly felt free.

Mind you, the whole shit was only in my head for most of the time anyway. She was over me before we even met (and that is incredibly ridiculous btw, but that's their friggin intuition for ya). But me... oh, no. I had to create big castles in the sky and then watch them being slowly blown away by the cruel winds of fate, my own stupidity and her brutal kindness {meaning, she should have never allowed this thing to drag on as long as it did. I had my reasons, but she should have ended it when she realised that I am not 'the One'. Right, because she is looking for the One, lol. Make it one hundred. oh, i am getting nasty(( }.

Anyway, in my mind I had a lover/purpose/goal for years. And now its over. And somehow I don't feel sad, I feel liberated. I was actually afraid that if I end it (not that it wasn't over already, but if I purposefully end it for myself) I will drown in the ocean of despair and misery. That is the reason I hold on to that illusion as long as I did. That, and the reluctance to admit defeat. My pride was hurt and is still wounded. But I think that may be there are some battles in life that are just not worth winning.

I was beginning to scare myself too. The evil and sadistic shit that came to my mind, surely that can't be love... That can't be nothing apart from hurt ego, desire to rule and conquer and a thirst for revenge. Oh, the pain that I longed to put her through... Seriously, I am ashamed. She is wise to stay away from me. And that's not considering the fact that we are totally wrong for each other. Given half a chance we would ruin each others lives. May be she saw that, she was pretty wise afterall. Too bad it took me so long to realise this.
Well, I am free from my illusion now, the only question is... what I am going to do with this freedom? :evil:

@темы: relationships, забивание гвоздей

06:16 

Умные мысли чужих людей

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Читала тут газетку и чел пишет про создание собственного бренда и вообще продажу себя и заметил что, а мой отец вот говорил: "Say nothing and saw wood" - Молчи и пили дрова, короче. Мне нравится такое отношение к жизни, жаль что все меньше и меньше людей так думают. Это напомнило мне кстати одну буддийскую поговорку: "До просветления, руби дрова и носи воду. После просветления... руби дрова и носи воду. :)

Все эти фэйкбуки и дайрики... тоже ведь создание своего персонального бренда. Если бы мы тратили столько же времени на решение своих проблем и улучшение этого мира, то и проблем бы у нас было на порядок меньше и мир бы был много лучше. о, сказала как канонный драйзер)) И да, мне тоже стыдно, я разленилась и мои дрова стоят не рублены и вода не ношена, образно выражаясь. Пинка себе в пятую точку и вперед, купить творог, налепить вареников, приготовить хавчик, разгрести белье и собрать сумки. Послезавтра Мельбурн! :fly:

Иди драй: руби дрова, носи воду. :axe:

И все приложится, даже просветление :)

@темы: афоризмы

01:35 

День Икс

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Завтра будет день Икс. Та-да-да-дам!

Или не будет, хз.

Надо относиться к этому как к курсам повышения квалификации и возможно эксперименту по вхождению в эмоциональное доверие человека. Итак, назовем это "Project Ali", в честь одного знакомого Напа, мастера супер-класса по как раз всякого рода вхождениям)))

Хм, задача эксперимента заставить сабджект раскрыться эмоционально и довериться мне полностью. Не знаю еще как результат должен выглядеть, но если оно случится - я пойму.
Действуем напскими способами: комплиментим по полной, говорим о сабже и её интересах, слушаем больше чем говорим и, главное, не спорим и не лезем со своей чугуннобетонными БЭтикой и 1й физикой. Я конечно знаю как лучше и правильней :gigi: , но задача эксперимента не в этом, а в повышении эмоциональной и сексуальной квалификации.

Ну, с богом :evil:

@темы: relationships

15:18 

What's up with women?

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Ok, so the day X didn't happen. Whatever. She is not returning my calls. Whatever. I am assuming she is in damage control and playing hard to get. I do not want to think of the alternative, because that would be incredible stupid. Saying all that Xrated shit and grabbing me in all the places and now what? "I am not that into you?" I am sorry, but...wtf?

When I get her alone I am just going to explain that I put a whole lot of effort into suppressing the feelings I have for women until such time that I am free and able to give some lucky girl my undivided attention.
And then some shit like what she did happens my world turns upside down and I dare to hope that maybe someone would be willing to have a relationship with me as it is now, while I am still married and got 2 kids in tow. And all suppressed desires rush back to life. And then if they don't find an outlet it becomes quite painful and annoying. not to mention that I feel like jumping into an ice lake)
If she ask me what I want I would tell her that ideally I would like to have sex and maybe some relationship drama to spice things up, or just sex.
In case I can't have that then I would like to have some peace and tranquility. What I definetely don't want is bloody drama without the sex. Unfortunately that's what I am getting so far. :depress2:

This is honestly ridiculous. And they are the logical ones? What a bloody joke!

@темы: relationships

14:51 

Пра стихи, драматишность и болевую ЧИ

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Ссылочка за ссылочкой, дневничок за дневничком... ээх; скоро сказка сказывается да нескоро дело делается))
Это я полезла читать дневниковскую поэзию. И не поймите меня неправильно, те люди чьи стихи я читала пишут совсем-совсем неплохо, однако первый раз в жизни я подумала: "Хорошо что я больше не пишу". Вот не знаю почему потому что соплисоплисопли, вот почему)). Может моя рифмованная графомания была стадией которую я переросла? хз.. Хотя нет, просто стиль не мой попался. Надо бы пойти поискать тех поэтов на которых я раньше была подписана, типа той чья строчка у меня в профиле.

Oh, yeah, I am a big drama queen))) She got back to me the next day and we are seeing each other next week. She is pretty slack with answering her phone, but that doesn't excuse my dramatic reactions. So uncool((( Honestly, control yourself woman. :facepalm2:

Может это у меня из-за болевой такая реакция на неопределенность? хм... :hmm: Надо пойти спросить у соционегов)

@темы: relationships, соционика

04:36 

Вдохновение

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Ага! Я нашла своего любимого поэта!
asmela.livejournal.com/
www.stihi.ru/avtor/asmela

Читать и плакать! Она кажется еще и поет и играет на гитаре! Это мечта! Я влюблён! Ня-ня-ня! Как хорошо что я однажды выложила свою графомань на валаре, иначе бы я никогда б не видела её творчества. Фсё, иду учиться гитаре! Забито! И может быть даже буду пинать себя на стихи, а мож и не буду, все равно лажа)

@темы: чужое гениальное

17:37 

Чертовы бабы

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Old habits die hard, no? I am applying for a full time job and the constant thought in the back of my mind is "If I get this job I can go and propose to her again." Right, because getting shot down once isn't enough for me. I might actually do it too. I am a crazy bulldog, when I latch unto an idea I will never let go. Maybe I need another dose of humble pie. Why am I so stupid? :apstenu:

And the other one has some serious issues, I swear! If feels like she just wanted to prove a point, that she can get me. And now she can't find time for me again. Well, I was not going to say no to sex with a hot lady, genius! You don't have my heart though. Probably never will. Not your fault, gourgeous, it was all spent in previous transaction. The account is empty...

@темы: relationships, забивание гвоздей

14:37 

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
not particularly happy with myself... I am sure it will be all over one day, but not yet, not yet. Still working on it. Facebook stocking doesn't help though) One day, baby, one day. I'll be over and done with you.
Weird shit this relationship was. I tend to get reminiscent and therefore its harder to let go. There were definetely some good moments, even if I imagined them...

Just noticed, it's been over a month and day X still hasn't arrived) Oh, well, its not like I was going anywhere) I have all the time in the world.

On a slightly more positive note: arab wedding was MAD))) The girls are such good dancers and one was amazingly hot :inlove: Don't you tell me there was no same sex love in harems! Fucking impossible that is!

@темы: relationships, забивание гвоздей

12:42 

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Well, my life officially sucks. Day X ain't gonna happen. Она блядь видите ли другому отдана и будет век ему верна. Дура невъебенная.

@темы: relationships

07:42 

Переоценка ценностей. Дубль надцаттый.

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Надо думать. Думать надо.)))
Думать это хорошо. Думать это отвлекает от воспоминаний и раздумий, а так же самобичевания, что есть плохо. Думать надо по делу и о делах. И как жить дальше... Воть...

























Думать лень. Подумаю завтра))) Сегодня постараюсь просто отвлечься. Может мангу почитаю, надо бы таки асилить Рыцаря Вампира, надо. И бэкграунд в фейкбуке сменить тоже надо, но для этого надо придумать как жить дальше, а то непонятно что ставить)

@настроение: мерзкое, реально мерзкое

15:11 

драйзер аут

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
I got full time job. Now there will be no time for anything and I mean anything except eating, sleeping, working and studying. No time for stupid ideas that get crashed. Time to raise the kids and make some money. The light at the end of the tunnel is there. I can't see it but I can smell it. Yeah, weird, just like that.

ISFJ out.

17:11 

It's not over. Why isn't it over?

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
А все хуже чем я представляла, да. Китай нагнал на меня тоску. Все было слишком похоже и плевать что тогда был Сеул декабрь девятого, а это Вуши март тринадцатого. Слишком похоже и опять больно. И что блядь, мне теперь нельзя ездить на дальний восток в холодную погоду? Тьфу нах :fire:

И я не знаю что делать. Остается плыть по течению. До поры до времени. А жаль, жаль((

@темы: забивание гвоздей, travel, relationships

08:04 

My shame

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Ok, so I am really ashamed and dissapointed in myself. pathetic, fucking pathetic(((The reason? I have not moved on. She has, long long time ago, and I haven't. Logically speaking, I know why. Only the influx of new feelings/information will force the old feelings/information out but the new ain't happening is it? And it appears that nothing new will happen for a while, a long while at that. So... I am stuck in replay. Its a fucking groundhog day without the chance to correct my mistakes. Just rewind and replay all the good bits and the painful bits in my mind. Stocking does not help)) The fact that she created a profile on every major russian and english social media site doesn't either) But the problem is me and hence the question: how does one moves on when one is stuck and cemented in his position in life? Or am I? There is probably a solution which I am just not able to see. I need some cold home truths at this point but my ENTJs have abandoned me((( Guess I am well and truly on my own this time. Honestly, the only solution that comes to mind is to dump myself in work and study. Go cold turkey on her at least until such time that I can make meaningful contact. Seriously, if I gave up smokes I should be able to do this. Love is just another form of chemical dependancy, no?

Anything but thinking about her. Books, manga, anime, work, studies, TV etc. Anything! I would say alcohol but thats a dangerous path to take (only because I will lose control and go cyber-stocking again).

Today is 3rd of April, as good a day as any.
Do it Драйзер! Because you can!

@темы: relationship, забивание гвоздей

05:52 

ПЙ

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
www.psycheyoga.info/spyke/

Таки ВФЭЛ, да. Правда мне подходят много аспектов в описаниях 1Ф и 2Ф, но описание 2в подходит много меньше чем описание 1в. А уж 3э и 4л сидят как влитые. Попробую оттипировать по ПЙ своих бывших, интересно ж))

@темы: ПЙ

13:50 

Is false hope better then nothing???

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
I added her back into skype. :shame: тряпкатряпкатряпка тьфублянафиг

I hate myself but I need something to cling to when staring down another 5-6 years of this life. The emptiness was too cold and scary, the blank page too intimidating. I guess I am not as strong as I thought myself to be. I'll use this addiction in a positive way (I promise!). This will be a force to keep moving forward, to push myself further. I need that false hope!
А там как в притче про Ходжу Насруддина который взял кучу денег и пообещал шаху научить осла разговаривать за 5 лет. Когда его спросили что же он скажет шаху после 5ти лет Ходжа ответил что за это время либо осел умрет, либо шах.
Может и я через 5 лет перестану нуждаться в этих эмоциональных костылях, либо они перестанут быть костылями)

However, even I can see how incredibly stupid the whole thing is. I never had imaginary friends as a kid, guess I am a late bloomer)) Feels idiotic. I am officially an idiot((( So funny because from outside I look so together and people think that I've got everything a woman can want. And I do. Its just that I want bit more than an average woman)

Well, I feel better somehow guess thats because I am back to my drug of choice. Time to make good on the promise and use this need in a positive way: starting with finally opening books and completing my assignment! I've already wasted 2 precious days на пиздострадания(((

@темы: relationships

Ain't no Fakebook

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