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Записи с темой: забивание гвоздей (список заголовков)
08:04 

My shame

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Ok, so I am really ashamed and dissapointed in myself. pathetic, fucking pathetic(((The reason? I have not moved on. She has, long long time ago, and I haven't. Logically speaking, I know why. Only the influx of new feelings/information will force the old feelings/information out but the new ain't happening is it? And it appears that nothing new will happen for a while, a long while at that. So... I am stuck in replay. Its a fucking groundhog day without the chance to correct my mistakes. Just rewind and replay all the good bits and the painful bits in my mind. Stocking does not help)) The fact that she created a profile on every major russian and english social media site doesn't either) But the problem is me and hence the question: how does one moves on when one is stuck and cemented in his position in life? Or am I? There is probably a solution which I am just not able to see. I need some cold home truths at this point but my ENTJs have abandoned me((( Guess I am well and truly on my own this time. Honestly, the only solution that comes to mind is to dump myself in work and study. Go cold turkey on her at least until such time that I can make meaningful contact. Seriously, if I gave up smokes I should be able to do this. Love is just another form of chemical dependancy, no?

Anything but thinking about her. Books, manga, anime, work, studies, TV etc. Anything! I would say alcohol but thats a dangerous path to take (only because I will lose control and go cyber-stocking again).

Today is 3rd of April, as good a day as any.
Do it Драйзер! Because you can!

@темы: relationship, забивание гвоздей

17:11 

It's not over. Why isn't it over?

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
А все хуже чем я представляла, да. Китай нагнал на меня тоску. Все было слишком похоже и плевать что тогда был Сеул декабрь девятого, а это Вуши март тринадцатого. Слишком похоже и опять больно. И что блядь, мне теперь нельзя ездить на дальний восток в холодную погоду? Тьфу нах :fire:

И я не знаю что делать. Остается плыть по течению. До поры до времени. А жаль, жаль((

@темы: забивание гвоздей, travel, relationships

14:37 

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
not particularly happy with myself... I am sure it will be all over one day, but not yet, not yet. Still working on it. Facebook stocking doesn't help though) One day, baby, one day. I'll be over and done with you.
Weird shit this relationship was. I tend to get reminiscent and therefore its harder to let go. There were definetely some good moments, even if I imagined them...

Just noticed, it's been over a month and day X still hasn't arrived) Oh, well, its not like I was going anywhere) I have all the time in the world.

On a slightly more positive note: arab wedding was MAD))) The girls are such good dancers and one was amazingly hot :inlove: Don't you tell me there was no same sex love in harems! Fucking impossible that is!

@темы: relationships, забивание гвоздей

17:37 

Чертовы бабы

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Old habits die hard, no? I am applying for a full time job and the constant thought in the back of my mind is "If I get this job I can go and propose to her again." Right, because getting shot down once isn't enough for me. I might actually do it too. I am a crazy bulldog, when I latch unto an idea I will never let go. Maybe I need another dose of humble pie. Why am I so stupid? :apstenu:

And the other one has some serious issues, I swear! If feels like she just wanted to prove a point, that she can get me. And now she can't find time for me again. Well, I was not going to say no to sex with a hot lady, genius! You don't have my heart though. Probably never will. Not your fault, gourgeous, it was all spent in previous transaction. The account is empty...

@темы: relationships, забивание гвоздей

16:06 

Libertad o Muerte

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
I was driving home today and suddenly it hit me: the chains have really fell. I don't feel whatever I was feeling towards her since around 2008. Which makes it what, over 4 years? I suddenly felt free.

Mind you, the whole shit was only in my head for most of the time anyway. She was over me before we even met (and that is incredibly ridiculous btw, but that's their friggin intuition for ya). But me... oh, no. I had to create big castles in the sky and then watch them being slowly blown away by the cruel winds of fate, my own stupidity and her brutal kindness {meaning, she should have never allowed this thing to drag on as long as it did. I had my reasons, but she should have ended it when she realised that I am not 'the One'. Right, because she is looking for the One, lol. Make it one hundred. oh, i am getting nasty(( }.

Anyway, in my mind I had a lover/purpose/goal for years. And now its over. And somehow I don't feel sad, I feel liberated. I was actually afraid that if I end it (not that it wasn't over already, but if I purposefully end it for myself) I will drown in the ocean of despair and misery. That is the reason I hold on to that illusion as long as I did. That, and the reluctance to admit defeat. My pride was hurt and is still wounded. But I think that may be there are some battles in life that are just not worth winning.

I was beginning to scare myself too. The evil and sadistic shit that came to my mind, surely that can't be love... That can't be nothing apart from hurt ego, desire to rule and conquer and a thirst for revenge. Oh, the pain that I longed to put her through... Seriously, I am ashamed. She is wise to stay away from me. And that's not considering the fact that we are totally wrong for each other. Given half a chance we would ruin each others lives. May be she saw that, she was pretty wise afterall. Too bad it took me so long to realise this.
Well, I am free from my illusion now, the only question is... what I am going to do with this freedom? :evil:

@темы: relationships, забивание гвоздей

15:34 

Walking away

Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.


Walking away. Just slowly walking away. well, sitting on the sofa in my shorts and singlet really, but its the idea that counts, no?

Its actually quite a big deal. Given, I had some beer and was not in the best of moods since morning, but still... actually deleting that last link is a big deal. I was going to do it long, long time ago, but didn't have the heart to do. Some shitty, needy part of me was hoping for a miracle, although rationally I knew that it was over. I had that bloody dream back in May. In my dream she literally drove a car over me, deaf to my pleading and screams. I knew then that it was over as soon as I woke up. Dreams were right about her before and it was right this time as well. Somewhere in the depth of that asian megapolis she made a desicion that it's over. And I felt it in my dream. That was back in May, and now it is over for me too. It will take some time i suppose, but it's actually over. All of it: dreams, plans, fears, insane bouts of jealousy and all good and not so good that came with that relationship.
So be it.

god, i am awfully melodramatic)) but i like it)) ангста, мне ангста! да побольше) фик что ли пойти написать :gigi:

@темы: забивание гвоздей, relationships

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